Heart Thaw

Day 6 of 30 and still blogging!!

Today will be like my original blogs here and show the development of one of my paintings. It was April, I had been in a winter funk for too long, it was still snowing, and there was no life giving green to be seen. Not in the park, not in my wallet either. As I drove home from another night of work, I heard an NPR piece about "drunk tank pink'. Apparently, when some jails painted the inside of the holding cells pink....I mean Pepto Bismol Pink...the inmates were calmer. Less fights. Less drunken rages. Just...calmer. So I thought maybe I could use a drunk tank pink painting, and since my mistress bathroom is all femme girly pink, with an outrageous shower curtain meant for teens and little princesses, I decided I needed a calming painting to gaze at while soaking in bubble baths.
This is my shower curtain.
Feather boas, rhinestone on the lipstick cases, I'm not kidding! Over the top femme stuff!

So I begain by limiting myself to shades of pink and a bit of white. Once again, I thought I was making a mountain range, or maybe a waterfall, but once I started swirling the white around, another dang bird appeared. FINE! I said, the bird on my first painting sent me messages, so why not?

 I wanted a face in the sky again, like my first painting. (no one had told me you can't paint the same painting twice....)
I didnt' know what the heck those "leaves" were rising up from the bird, but they began to look like arrows in some pink nightmare of "Who killed cock robin?" And that face! Not ethereal. Spooky!

I pressed on and saw a heart around the bird, so I gave the Being some eyes and she looked like a cartoon. (my personal word for I-can't-draw-who-am-I-kidding?) I was posting the progress in one of my groups and someone commented "Sorry, but this looks like emotional unavailability"
SORRY? Meaning you were insulting me and apologizing ahead of time? I AM emotionally unavailable. Single. Staying single until I get stronger. What's there to be sorry about?? I started to see a giant shard of ice headed straight for the bird's heart. This was NOT calming, drunk tank pink or not.

I still wanted to have that ethereal face in the sky LIKE MY FIRST PAINTING, DANG IT ALL TO HECK! (notice the spiritual mood I was in...not)

Below are the eyes I was trying to re-create. To the right of that is what happened when I painted out the arrows and the face and attempted "ethereal" eyes. Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha
A pink mummy? Candy colored creep? The eyes of the undead? YIKES!

I took deep breaths and remembered that all paintings go through an Ugly Stage. Or two. Or three. 

I got rid of the scary eyes and decided to make the face smaller and removed my expectations. Well! she bloomed! Where the arrows had been, a tree with blossoms grew, though those flowers look a bit like they're still in the bud. That's was and is appropriate for me.

I no longer saw a shard of ice, but more of a frozen heart opening to reveal a sleeping bird. 

And there she is! She hangs where I can see her when I'm soaking away all the troubles of the day or night. 

I may not be drunk, or in a tank. But she does calm me down and soothe me. 

Not trusting my frozen heart to choose well yet, but I see hope in this painting. 

May all of our hearts thaw, however frozen they are and however they got that way. 

                                                                 Heart Thaw