Day 16- The HiHo's are coming

Today I'm just free writing. Well, not really free because I'm stealing time from the time I have between sleep and work. So can I steal from myself? OH yeah. That's what procrastination does. That's what over scheduling does. And somehow I have managed to do both.

Should I put a picture of my color coded calendar here? Nah. But I'll describe it....Blotches of yellow, Pink, Blue, Green, Orange..and a few uncolored things like appointments IF I can fit any in.

Yellow highlighter shows my shift at my 0.7 job, which 70% full time for those of you who don't live in this ridiculous work world of Decimal Point "appointments". "What's your appointment?" we ask each other, meaning "How often in 2 weeks do you work?" People who work a normal job work 5 days a week, 10 days in 2 weeks. That would be a 1.0

So there are 7 yellow blotches every 2 weeks, or 14 every month,  and they indicate another night shift at my main job. Sometimes too many in a row, like now: 4 in a row on, ONE off, 3 in a row on. This means I had to get ready for 8 days of meals yesterday since I won't have to time to shop and cook....no...no time to do either. It's 8 PM and the caffeine finally worked on my brain. Sort of.

Then there's pink highlighter for the 2 shifts I do each month for my "casual position". I still think I should dress casually for this. Maybe some shorts in hot pink madras and a tank top with a band's name on it? Nah, the bands I'd know aren't any that play much anymore. I once wore a tank top that said CHE and had Che Guevera's picture on it. Someone said, "I LOVE that shirt. What band did he play with again?"

Sigh

Um, Che and the Marxists? They had a lot of concerts in Cuba, among other places. And he wasn't a very nice socialist, I just bought the darn thing at a Buffalo Exchange because I liked the black and red color scheme. Not sure I want to celebrate his murderous life, but then, no one seems to remember him except as an old band leader. Doncha love the American grasp of history?

Ok, then there's Blue for Jew, and there are stripes of blue highlighter for choir rehearsal, High Holidays, torah study, Jewish meditation, Thursday morning minyan....mostly I just make it to choir for now and going to choir yesterday in the middle of my usual before -my-first-shift-back nap made me muddled all night last night. Forgot my badge and my good, back saving, ugly shoes.

Orange, for now, for school. This month there's just one orange blotch for orientation, but I'll have to get a different color for school. I love school, and I hate orange. Maybe purple? It all starts next month and I dont' want to see lots of orange on my calendar. That should be used for Dentist appointments. Or housecleaning. Or HR Block appts...

Green is for social activities, loosely defined. I'd LIKE it to include dancing, or something with Events and Adventures, but I can't fold my time to go to those. I do go to a women's Alanon group once a week and a small group from there goes out to lunch afterwards. I love having  a weekly lunch with familiar faces. Kind of like the women in Sex and the City, except our conversation rarely goes in that direction. It's more like "Anyone read any good books lately?" "How's your new job?" Did you FIND a job yet?" "I like your new haircut" Fascinating stuff! And I hate the weeks I can't go.

Like this week. I was so dizzy sleepy that I only stayed to hear the short talk because I knew I wouldn't hear a lot of the G word and I wouldn't go home feeling alienated and angry. I was right. It was short, to the point, and politely stated what I angrily say in the small group breakouts.
"No amount of magical thinking will get me a new job, cause me to lose weight, or..." other things that fall under the category "G-d helps those who helps themselves"

YES! I once grumbled that g-d wasn't going to fill out online applications, re-formulate my resume, or figure out how I'm going to stay in this particular hospital system for the next 2 1/2 years. G-d wasn't going to meet with people to see if they can help me stay in this system, given my knowledge base and physical (lack of) strength! Aaaargh!

I get angry when women talk submissively about, well......letting g-d decide, letting g-d do all the work, turning over their will etc. I picture them bowing their head and whispering to their vision of g-d, one that I don't share at all, and then just waiting for jobs to appear. Why does this make me so FURIOUS?

For some of us, "turning over our will" to anyone, human or imaginary, is the kind of activity that got us into trouble in the first place. I have to keep my eyes open right here on this planet. Right here in this world full of people, not all of them benign but not all of them treacherous either. I need the "wisdom to tell the difference" between THOSE two things, as well as the usual things I can control and things I can't.

The only way I can "let go and let g-d" is to let go of endless worry about stuff in the future, and to let go of the outcome of things I do to make my future less bleak. I can control networking, doing my job well now, searching for jobs within the system that I can do, picking up extra shifts by expanding my role at my casual workplace....

I can let go of anger too. Lately I have found myself getting really really angry over things that have nothing to do with me, like other people's comforting beliefs. Especially their comforting beliefs. And I think I make them angry too when I voice this anger at the G word.

I can tell the HiHo's are coming. Ironically, the time of year we're supposed to be pleading our case in the magical court ruled over by an imaginary judge. Who am I singing to or about? I don't know, but the music always hits me deep in the kishkes. We're singing the music (on the blue highlighted nights twice a week) and it's stirring up what it always stirs up....What can I do better this year than I did last year?

I can quit judging other people, their spelling, their belief systems, their lack of knowledge in stuff I'M interested in, (but they're not), their grammar, the way they drive, and things I dont' even know I'm judging until I hear a snarky remark inside my mind and then the phrase of the coming year shows up:

Who am I to judge?

Indeed.