Day 12- Trying to run with wolves

Today I didn't do much, but my mind was grinding away below the surface all day long and half the night. it's past 1 AM, as usual, and I finally wrote something. 

This will be mostly pictures, all of which I took. I went traveling through my photos and grabbed the ones that spoke to me tonight and oddly, they all made sense on a non verbal level. They made a narrative, not as funny as usual, but behind my humor is a lot of this...um...Stuff. 

                                                                    Always

I'm re-reading Women Who Run With the Wolves with an online group and already I'm disturbed. The intro is called Singing Over the Bones and while I was internally making fun of the words and phrases, something was stirring. 

Yikes! 

I was having trouble connecting with a lot of the intro because I've always viewed myself as wild and rebellious, but the truth is I've been quite a chameleon when in relationships, and sometimes also with friends. 

What would you like me to BE?                 OK! I'll change.                       Or pretend to.  

They thought they had captured me, and they sort of had. But really, they hadn't. This is who I became  after awhile. 

One after another after another.... I KNOW I lost myself. I used to think that I was wild all my life and needed no reminders of my "wildish" woman nature. 

Looking back, I see that my only rebellions were against whoever it was I was escaping.  (and while I was on my way to another captor.) Not all of them dangerous, but I acted as if they might be. And some of them were.  I disguised myself to please them until I realized I was in danger of losing myself forever. Then I left.  

I kept following what I thought was my path and trying to follow the signs, but they all looked like this

Big damn help! 


I obviously sent up signals that I was lost until someone came to "rescue" me and the rescuer, benign or malign, eventually became a captor.  Not that I was actually captured. I went willingly into the traps but somehow I didn't even notice until it was too late. 

                                 Sentient beings, all of us. Fooled by domestication. Trapped. 

                                                                    Until we aren't. 

I don't know how long I'll be active in the group or how long I'll continue re-reading. I don't have time to sing over the bones of whatever lies beneath. I probably can't or shouldn't write about this any deeper than I have tonight. Not for public consumption anyway.  Besides, I'm really really good at hiding behind my own words, so I may try to make art about whatever it is that has gotten stirred up instead of intellectualizing about...um...Stuff. 

Until I took this 30 day blogging challenge, I had been spending a lot of time with non verbal expression of this...um....Stuff. 

                                                       No words needed. 

I'm running with the wolves, like Little Red Riding Hood did. And the wise women of the ages, who exist in all cultures, are with me. 

                                                 I can see them by candlelight. 

I'm slowly starting to remember ALL the facets of my personality and bringing them ALL back so that whoever tries to capture me will have to not only let me wander freely, but also accept who I really am. 

                                                                 As soon as I do...

Who am I when I really really look in the mirror? Who is floating underneath the surface? Who is my deep water mermaid self? Do any of us really know?