Friday, October 18, 2013

Shabbat Shalom

I wasn't going to write a new blog anytime soon, since I'm writing papers for grad school and that takes up all of my free time, but I just tried a new synagogue tonight and wanted to post a little shriek of joy.

Last night was the last night of my very first class in this program, and the wonderful earth mother type instructor led a closing ritual that sent us all home feeling connected and at peace. We were to bring in something important to us that we wanted to absorb all the energy and good intentions of our classmates and I brought in my soul, which needs healing. Deep healing.

How on earth does a person bring a soul and put it amidst twinkling lights in the center of a circle of women? Like this:

My loving friend long ago crocheted this perfect kippah for me, incorporating the Star of David and the Greek Key of my heritage, and I wanted it to soak up all the love and healing it could so that when I wore it, I would get some kind of healing.

We were to speak out words of intention and healing, and "grab" the words that others spoke to imbue our object with those that we needed.

I said Love and I said Patience. I took from others the words Surrender and Serenity. Perfect.

I decided to wear it to a new shul, one that is closer than the one I've been attending, and one that has potential to be my new one, since I have to change soon for reasons I don't want to discuss. I'll go to some services at the old one, and still lean on the clergy for support and compassion, but I need a new shul home and so far so good.

I entered the chapel where the small Kabbalat Shabbat service would be held and was warmly greeted by everyone. They made a point of coming up to introduce themselves, and I felt a sense of deja vu as I saw rug rats running wild amid embarrassed young parents and indulgent older people. Like me. I remember being that embarrassed parent, and I never understood the fond smiles from those older than me..until now.

                                                                 OH I LOVE THIS!!!

This is not MY child, or a child from tonight. Just an internet image but it captures it well. I remember being embarrassed and the rabbi saying "Isn't it great that they feel so at home in shul?'

Well...YES! One little toddler went around the whole chapel, shaking everyone's hand and saying "goodbabbas" to everyone. My heart melted. It WAS good baba, btw, but that's off topic...

I was handed good old Siddur Sim Shalom and felt my face shine with a smile that came all the way from my toes, since I hadn't seen one since leaving Brith back home. The melodies were sometimes familiar ones from back then, some I recognized from my local shul, and even some from Berkeley! And a couple were Israeli dances I had a hard time not dancing to. That wouldve been ok, as the enthusiastic pounding of a table behind me showed me. People closed their eyes and swayed, they smacked their leg in time, they stopped to cross over and hug someone, the rabbi sang descant and the chaotic singing in ALMOST the same key sounded like that holy hubbub of Orthodox shuls. What a great mix!

The dvar was short and taught me something I'd never heard of, which for a bookaholic like me, is quite a treat.

                                    Then we adjourned to the Room With Too Much Food.

Where at long last, I finally tasted a  GOOD store bought challah. Not this one, of course:

I met a woman who is in nursing school and wants to invite me over if ever our nursey type schedules ever work out, and she doesn't write on Shabbat in shul. Ahhhhhh. I'm home again.

I drove out under a full moon that hurt my heart for reasons I won't go into, but made me smile too

And I went home to do this, and just sit. In sweet peace. I needed this. Shabbat Shalom, y'all!

Friday, August 30, 2013

Day 31 - Soul collage from last year

This is early, but I'll be getting on the fast moving train that is the High Holidays very soon, and before that...well...I work 4 nights in a row and will become a grumpy, hibernating bear.

So I thought I'd share some cards I made on my Staycation Retreat last year. Don't know how they'll hit me if I ever "pull" one and do the "I am One who...." exercise, but here they are with how they hit me a year after I made them and right before the New Year starts
                                                       In no particular order
I called this Anger. I was still chock full of anger over things that had happened in 2011 and it was a full year later. I chose images that showed destruction and anger and was surprised that a spunky woman showed up. Sometimes, it's GOOD to be angry! Some things do not deserve to be forgiven. So I stood amidst the destruction of my life, and I am One Who survives.

I thought this would be a fun one about SHOOZ! But the wistful one in the yellow scarf appears to be looking for something else. In the middle of sheer joy and fun, I am One Who is looking for Something More. And that's not always a bad thing.

This card is called Passion and I wanted to make a card showing the shadow side of that energy.
                                                             I think I succeeded.

To the left is a Healing Heart. I am One Who wears my heart on my sleeve even when it's dangerous. But my heart can heal from just about anything.

The background of that card is a picture of a salt cave that exists here in my area and I would love to visit that sometime to see how it feels.

Maybe it would detox even better than a mikvah!

I am One who is flexible at any age, any weight, anytime. I see who I am in the Autumn of my Life
                                                       And I'm just fine the way I am
                                                                   Right now

I am One who needs to dance and who has forgotten to make time for that in my life.

LOOK at the joy of movement all these people have!

I want that again!!!

I am One who needs to remember to CHILL OUT!!! Remember the past, but live life with the awareness and forgetfulness of a child.

Enlarge this one so that you can see all the laughter over people who make their own problems. I am One who looks for fires to walk through. How silly is THAT?

I am One who needs the Arts in my life. ALL of them!!




I feel like Rip Van Winkle finally waking UP!!

I am One who is of two minds about ever being in a relationship again. Do I want to stare moodily out to sea and Infinity, contemplating my life and soul? Or do I want a cozy cabin and warm companionship on the beach?

I don't know

I am One who may someday dance on the moon and try again.

But in the meantime, I am One who has rediscovered Joy and I don't intend to live without it again

                                                          Don't YOU forget it either!!

See you after the HiHo madness! If I have offended or hurt anyone in the past year, I am truly sorry. I will try my best to bring only joy and compassion to all I meet in the coming year.

And myself too. I'm putting down the baseball bat and won't beat myself up over past mistakes.

                                                 They are the past, and it's time to forget them.

Day 30 - The End and the Beginning

Last day of the blogalong, but NOT the last day of my blog! I'll try to blog on my days off from work and school, whenever the heck THAT happens .Or at odd times I might cobble together something over several days and post it when it's done. But I'm looking back at the last Jewish year and have flagged a bunch of my OWN pictures to show myself (and whoever is reading this) how last year went for me.

About this time last year, I took myself on a staycation to see what I could think about my life when not distracted. (as IF I could BE un-distracted)
When I moved into my former apartment, I used to look up at these towers and call them Mine

                              From my hotel window, I saw this while reading about Healing Spaces
                          And OH how I wanted to live high up and have a view like that!!!
                                    Within less than a month, I had moved into one of those towers and these are now my some of my views
                     (I have 180 degree view from the river on the east and the Capitol on the west)

                                                         Can you spell M A N I F E S T ??

In the past year, I lost an old friend, who I'll remember every day and every Dios de los Muertas,

And I reconnected with my very very oldest friend from when we were 9
Along with Janice from the 70's, Laurie from7th grade, and two girl cousins
I also went through a crisis of appearance when I got sick of dealing with my hair
and ended up looking OLDER!!!
 So I'm growing it out again, letting it curl  and got cooler glasses
                                                                      There! Young again!

There was snow, and a warm place to watch it from
                                                            There was exhaustion
There was feeling more a part of my shul community (I'm in pink and black,  top left)

And community, of course, is the most important of all:
My weekly women's group followed by lunch, my Moonshine group, my Glitterhood blogalong group, my far flung real life Facebook friends, reunited cousins, loving children and still living (and independent, marvelously active) parents, my far flung Facebook friends from places I've worked and online Weightwatchers, and online art courses, and online other groups that have moved to being phone friends, and a small, but growing group of nurses from the various hospitals in town where I've worked. 
And of course....His and Her Highnesses
I love you ALL!

An early Happy New Year
May you have a sweet year and be inscribed in the Book of Life 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Day 29 - Spiralling back again

Yes! Another CLOCK! This one really shows Jewish time really well. Hopi time too, for that matter, since that spirals too. Or maybe even Female time, since women's lives go in spirals all the time. Round and round we go and we end up in the same place.

                                                  Often the mirror. Judging ourselves.
                                                             It starts very young

But that's not what this is about. This is about the power of music. Which starts very young too.
                                 Long before words as my Pied Piper cousin will tell you.
                              Music and getting kids excited about music is her life's work.

This time of year is when I feel completely boxed in by all the choices I made or didn't make in the past year. I see no way out. I look back and beat myself up. It's worse than staring in a mirror. At least, with the mirror, I could walk away from it. But I feel so trapped by ALL my life's choices sometimes.

Fortunately, being Jewish means a do-over every fall, ushered in by the sweet taste of honey .
And apples, of course. The perfect fall fruit, especially up here in apple country.

So now it has returned: The tail end of the previous year and I feel like a horse's patoot. Again.

We're ALSO, simultaneously by some kind of Jewish calendar music, the HEAD of the year. 
TA DA !!!

It is also the time when a Certain Bookstore puts up this end cap. Every freaking year! Their corporate office dictates that the stores put up books they feel are appropriate, including ... well...enlarge it and see what book looks out of place. To a Jew. 

Grumble grumble. 

One thing really calms me down this time of year. 

Music, even with words, still hits me on a wordless level. Right in the kishkes. A young boy played violin tonight in rehearsal and when he played those high, sweet notes I couldn't even sing. Those notes vibrated all through me and rendered me speechless. And healed me. And reminded me that this is the time of year that all can be forgiven, all promises are believed, and we all start the new year all fresh and clean. 

Yes, it's a time of self-reflection for all of us

 But after a bit of looking deeply into our soul, we can set off into the world again and have confidence that we can dance or fly. 
Our choice

It all starts over this Thursday. Enjoy your path! 
It may not be straight, but no matter what bends and turns and swirls, just know it's YOUR path. 
and you're doing just fine

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Day 28 - Miles to go before I sleep

Ah sweet sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care

And in my life this knitting is so rare....

Sorry, Mr Shakes, all I can think of today is sleep. 

And THIS is stuck in my head, so it might as well be stuck in yours

Here's the original sandman from my heritage - Hypnos, the god of dreams. The one who has been too dang busy whilst I've been sleeping lately. I do so love the blanket in this picture, though, says my artsy brain..

Anyone remember this little dude? This was the illustration in my Mother Goose century, though it came from much earlier. I used to be a bit creeped out by Wee Willie Winkie running through the town...upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown. Tapping at the window, crying through the locks....EEEEK! 

I used to use this as a bedtime ritual for my oldest, though, changing the last line to "Is Mihali in the bed? Cuz now it's 10 o'clock!" (should've been 8, but I picked my battles)

This one I believe my parents used...especially the first 2 lines, in the old language of the poem..."tarry awhile, said Slow" because when it came to bedtime, I was most definitely Slow. Oh not anymore! I wish I had all those lost naptimes and early bedtimes back, dont' you? Nothing to do by play, eat, and go to bed when we're told! 

I can tell winter's coming on because I really want to hibernate. I get quite grumpy 
and groggy when I finally wake up, no matter what time it is. 

                                            WHERE'S MY CAVE???

Better yet, so that the world can't disturb my slumber, where's my protective spell?

Ahhhhhh. That's more like it. Briar Rose, the original sleeping beauty, was protected by a hedge full of thorns. Kind of like the hedgerow I drew for Maeve when I envisioned her retreating from the world. 

But I head off to night shift again, having foolishly agreed to work for someone on my night off, and I know I'll be glad for the extra money, but I'm afraid this is what I'll look like during my break

                                       Goodnight, Day People .              

                           See you and my gorgeous view when the sun rises.